It's Been Difficult

April 17, 2017

I've been very depressed. When you're only 68 and you hope to live until at least your mid-eighties and you're not even 70 yet and you are told it's no longer safe to travel, it takes a while to sink in. When it does, it's devastating. I love to travel, on cruises, driving, anything. 
Slowly it sinks in that this 'could" mean not being able to go to conventions across Canada each year. 
The road trip I wanted to take to Ontario next summer is in jeopardy and I have so many places I want to visit still in the USA and Canada - all at risk!
More important than that is the reality that I am probably not here for a long life. I always thought that being nine years younger than my husband, I would for sure outlive him. Now I'm not so sure about that. Not at all.
I want to be here, to live to watch my grandchildren grow up. That has always been so important to me, for as long as I can remember. What type of people will they be? What will they do in the future and who will they marry? So many questions but those questions, those children, keep me alive. Keep me fighting to live.
I wanted to one day take them on a cruise, take them to Disneyworld, explore the world with them.
I'm scared. Truly scared.
I've already mentioned that I just wasn't sure if I would survive the next surgery but I know now that even the Doctors are worried about doing more surgery on me.
I've been hit again with another "episode" - not as bad this time but all the same, I've had pain and discomfort, enough to take my meds, painkillers and go on an all liquid diet, once again hoping that surgery can be avoided.
I think I am feeling so depressed because I am so scared. 
This morning, as I am lying in bed, not feeling well, one of the surgeons called to say they want to see me. Unfortunately, his schedule is busy and I can't get in until next Monday so for the next week I'll have the "unknown" of his latest news/report hanging over my head. 
Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful that the Doctors have been able to keep me alive this long. I've been lucky enough to meet three more grandchildren since that first life-saving surgery in 2012. Five years with my grandchildren I almost didn't live to see.
Not only that but I do remind myself every day that there are so many who weren't lucky enough to even live as long as I have. Yes, I think of them all the time. I wouldn't be human though if I didn't also think of my friends who lead healthy lives. 
A weird combination of thankfulness and jealousy.