It's Been Difficult

April 17, 2017

I've been very depressed. When you're only 68 and you hope to live until at least your mid-eighties and you're not even 70 yet and you are told it's no longer safe to travel, it takes a while to sink in. When it does, it's devastating. I love to travel, on cruises, driving, anything. 
Slowly it sinks in that this 'could" mean not being able to go to conventions across Canada each year. 
The road trip I wanted to take to Ontario next summer is in jeopardy and I have so many places I want to visit still in the USA and Canada - all at risk!
More important than that is the reality that I am probably not here for a long life. I always thought that being nine years younger than my husband, I would for sure outlive him. Now I'm not so sure about that. Not at all.
I want to be here, to live to watch my grandchildren grow up. That has always been so important to me, for as long as I can remember. What type of people will they be? What will they do in the future and who will they marry? So many questions but those questions, those children, keep me alive. Keep me fighting to live.
I wanted to one day take them on a cruise, take them to Disneyworld, explore the world with them.
I'm scared. Truly scared.
I've already mentioned that I just wasn't sure if I would survive the next surgery but I know now that even the Doctors are worried about doing more surgery on me.
I've been hit again with another "episode" - not as bad this time but all the same, I've had pain and discomfort, enough to take my meds, painkillers and go on an all liquid diet, once again hoping that surgery can be avoided.
I think I am feeling so depressed because I am so scared. 
This morning, as I am lying in bed, not feeling well, one of the surgeons called to say they want to see me. Unfortunately, his schedule is busy and I can't get in until next Monday so for the next week I'll have the "unknown" of his latest news/report hanging over my head. 
Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful that the Doctors have been able to keep me alive this long. I've been lucky enough to meet three more grandchildren since that first life-saving surgery in 2012. Five years with my grandchildren I almost didn't live to see.
Not only that but I do remind myself every day that there are so many who weren't lucky enough to even live as long as I have. Yes, I think of them all the time. I wouldn't be human though if I didn't also think of my friends who lead healthy lives. 
A weird combination of thankfulness and jealousy.

WHEN YOUR BODY LETS YOU DOWN

HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?

I've been so blessed to travel pretty darn extensively over the years and been to so many countries but I still have places to go, places on my Bucket List. How do you do that when your Doctor looks at you and says, your travel days are over?
This has happened to me before, but due to constant complications, I underwent surgery and have been lucky enough to travel although somewhat closer to home. 

By most interpretations, I am still young. At least I certainly think I'm young. I know so many who are at least ten years older than I am and they still are healthy leading active lives and travelling around the world.

For me I have to make some choices. Do I want to live and be able to watch my grandchildren growing up? Of course I do! They are my most precious loves. I'm a curious person... I want to know what they will look like and what they as people will be like. What will peak their interest for working in their future, who will they marry? Will they be happy, healthy? Oh yes, I have many questions and want to be here to see the results of the family we created.

Can I go on cruises? Attend conventions across the country? Travel 'cross country to visit friends and family?

Questions I don't have answers to... yet. And am not sure I am going to like the answers I get from my surgeons one day perhaps all too soon. 

I've just spent almost 6 weeks waiting for biopsy results and results from cancer screening. Six weeks of expecting to enter hospital upon my return, for major surgery. Now, they have changed their minds. The surgery has been delayed or maybe even cancelled? The good news, GREAT NEWS, is that the tests were negative. There is no cancer.
But inside, my body is a nightmare of a mess of adhesions and other issues. I live in pain most days now. One Doctor send me home from the hospital telling me to "just take Tylenol." Unfortunately, it doesn't do anything for the pain.

I'm too young for all this. I'm also terrified by something else. All my life I've had the feeling I would die when I was seventy and that number is quickly approaching. It scares me. But to talk about it makes people think I'm crazy but am I?

I must remind myself that the biopsy results were negative and the Ovarian Cancer blood screening test, the CA-125 had a very low number which is excellent they tell me. In a few weeks I'll have a mammogram. 

But I continue to have pain, not as severe as it was that weekend in January or recently. Is it stress related? How does one measure that?

To many they say - aww, too bad you can't travel, because they've never had the luxury that I've had, to see so much of the world, but when your life changes, in any way, it takes time to adjust to the changes. So, I will relax, sit back, and adjust.