Hanging In There, I think!

It won't be long now until I get home and meet with the surgeon to find out the results of the biopsies and blood tests.

It's been interesting waiting. My husband says he thinks I am doing so well, staying so calm, staying busy and keeping my mind off what's ahead.

I've had to stop watching medical shows as they upset me when they tackle certain issues, or show surgeries on television. They scare me and my mind starts to think about what's about to happen to me.

What has been difficult is when people ask me if I have my health issues under control yet (obviously they have no idea of what is going on or the seriousness of what I am going through) and then there are the few who harp at me, yes harp as some won't let it go. They ask: "why don't you call your Doctor and get your results" or "what kind of Doctor doesn't tell you your results right away?" Seriously? First, it's none of their business and secondly, I was the one, who in conversation with my Doctors and husband, decided that I would not get results until my return home. There was one day when my husband offered to call my Doctor but I knew there was nothing I could do, or that the Doctors could do right now. Collectively we decided that it was best for me to return to Arizona where I could hopefully relax, get exercise and fresh air, and spend time staying busy with my friends. There is nothing I can do until the surgery is scheduled.

Of course I have my moments.
Of course I am scared. In fact at times I'm terrified.
There are days I wonder if I will survive the surgery. I have some serious doubts when my mind runs amuck.

I am so thankful that my youngest son brought his family here for a few days so I could spend some quality time with his two little ones. They keep my busy and my mind off what is looming over my head and I am so thankful for their being here.

My older son and his wife have not called to say "how are you" or ask if I was okay.

No, I'm not ok. I'm scared. I had another attack not long ago, just like the one I had in Los Angeles and had I been at home I would have gone to the Emergency Room but instead, I took my meds and went on clear fluids and rested until I felt better. I know the last time I rushed to ER I was basically told nothing could be done and I should just take Tylenol.

No, I'm not alright thanks, but I'm not complaining as I could be worse! What I am is excellent at putting on a good face and smiling and saying "I'm fine" because so far, I am better than some of my friends:
My fiend C. was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Another friend L. has just undergone major surgery to have her face, jaw and lips rebuilt because of her cancer, the man next door died a couple of days ago from cancer (which last summer his wife survived) and another friend M went to ER with all my symptoms and was told she had stage 4 Ovarian cancer, then was placed in ICU and then before they even had ANY test results told her that although she had cancer, they had no idea where it is. Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

No, it's not easy, yes it's frightening, but realistically there's nothing I can do until I see the doctors so I will live each day as it comes and enjoy it to the best of my ability and consider myself  LUCKY!